Duck pictures and funny jokes
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. Barman says "Worry we don't serve pigs in here," The lady says "Its not a pig its a duck" The barman says "I am talking to the duck."
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a duck sitting next to him. "Are you a duck?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The duck replied, "Well, I liked the book."
Q: How do you make a duck sing soul music? A: Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Q: Why was the teacher annoyed with the duck? A: Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the duck. "Your name is written inside the cover."
A man and his pet duck walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my duck." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the duck falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a duck."
Q: What do ducks have with soup? A: Quackers!
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a duck in the front seat. "What are you doing with that duck?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the duck again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that duck to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
A duck waddles into a card shop, he waddles his way to the front desk asking the clerk, Do you got any tape? The clerk replies, No. So the duck waddles away. The very next day at the same time the same duck waddles into the Card Shop he waddles right up to that same clerk asking him, Do you have any tape? The clerk looking irritated replying in a stern voice,No! We are a card shop we sell cards not tape! And if you ask me again I will nail your bill to the counter! So the duck just waddles away. At the same time the next day the Duck is waddling into that same card shop He waddles right up to that same clerk asking him, do you have any nails? The clerk says,no. Then the duck replied good!! So do you have any tape?
The judge asked the duck, "What is your crime?"
The duck responds, "I was blowing bubbles in front of City Hall."
The judge says, "There's no crime committed here, you're free to go."
The judge then asks the pigeon, "What is your crime?"
The pigeon responds, "I was also blowing bubbles in front of City Hall."
The judge looks a little confused but finally says, "There's no crime committed here, you're also free to go."
Lastly, the chicken walks up to the judge, and the judge asks, "What is your crime?"
The chicken, first looking back at the pigeon and the duck, then turning to the judge says, "I'm bubbles."
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been t*&kimg'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...
I've always had a duck personality. Calm above water, feet going crazy below. K. Flay
My dear Mama, you are definitely the hen who hatched a famous duck. Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec
Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath. Michael Caine
Don't quack like a duck, soar like an eagle. Ken Blanchard
A writer without a pen would be like a duck without water! Donovan
If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck's back. Ellen Swallow Richards
I walk like a duck: very straight up and down. Or like a penguin. It's a dead giveaway that I'm a dancer. David Hallberg
Being born in a duck yard does not matter, if only you are hatched from a swan's egg. Hans Christian Andersen
Have you seen a duck gliding smoothly on water? Does it ever look like it is paddling furiously underneath the surface? I don't have to show that I am working very hard. Salman Khan
Most of my school friends and even a few of my teachers called me 'Duck.' Donald Dunn
If you know anything about ducks, you know a baby duck will imprint itself on you. It misses its mother. Michael Leunig
On the roads, it is one of those 'might is right' situations. If I see cars coming, I duck out of the way. Dane Bird-Smith
We underestimate our people. Given a challenge, most of our people will do it, especially the youngsters who take to technology like duck to water. Arundhati Bhattacharya
'Duck Dynasty' is a ridiculous show, and long may it wave. America and democracy will endure. They've seen a lot worse. Henry Rollins
People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone! Karl Pilkington
Now, with Annie gone, I'm looking for a new dog. I have a lot of duck hunting planned, and I can't imagine doing it without a dog. I'm 84, so I won't get a puppy. Bud Grant
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