Funny Quotes Part 1

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“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”
– Anton Chekhov
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
– Arthur C. Clarke
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
– Abraham Lincoln
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
– Al McGuire
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
– Alan Dundes
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
– Albert Camus
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
– Albert Einstein
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
– Emo Philips
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
– Emo Philips
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
– Emo Philips
“Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.”
– Enid Blyton
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I drink to make other people more interesting.”
– Ernest Hemingway
“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”
– Ronald Reagan
“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.”
– Salvador Dali
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
– Sam Ewing
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
– Samuel Goldwyn
“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.”
– Samuel Goldwyn
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
– Samuel Goldwyn
“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.”
– Scott Adams
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.”
– Si Robertson
“The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.”
– Sid Caesar
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
– Socrates